Wednesday, May 13, 2020

Losing my Will to Live

I'm pretty sure I'm losing my will to live.  This week has been difficult (and it's only Wednesday).  Sunday night I had a really vivid dream that I was caught in a crowd of people in a store, and no one was wearing a mask.  I was just heart broken that I would get the virus and die.  The gloom from that dream pretty much colored all of Monday.  Then the installer for the anti-sun screens for the giant windows came to put them up.  When we ordered these things it was never mentioned that they would fit poorly, let light in around the edges and generally look like crap.  We called the person who wrote the estimate and she informed us that she never said they were bug tight, well she never said they wouldn't be.  I kept badgering the installer as to why something couldn't be done to close the gaps between the screen and the door frame.  After looking at it for awhile he brought out three screws with large heads, drilled into the door frame and pulled the screens in close by tightening the screws.  Why did that have to take an hour of my life that I will never get back?  I don't think I would deal with these people again, their attitude towards a crappy install was fairly cavalier.  The crew working on the parapet has been arriving promptly at 6:00 am, and making enough noise that there is no possibility of getting back to sleep.  I'm pretty tired.  They finished up today, so there will be no more early morning noise, no feet on the roof and no compressors running over my head.  So that will provide a life improvement.

But look, here is something charming to see.  This is so cute it just hurts me. Update to post:  I have been reliably informed that this is a statue.  But he's still cute.

Last Sunday we continued with palm tree pruning.  Here is Jim on a ladder with the chain saw on a stick.  I was standing a safe distance away from him.

The part that holds the frond to the tree has super sharp teeth.  We cut those off and box them so that the guys picking up trash are not impaled.  Since the contractor's trailer was still there, we pitched the fronds in, and so did not have to bag them, which was good.

Monday afternoon there was a trip to Safeway for a prescription.  A miracle occurred and they had hand sanitizer behind the counter at customer service.  I paid $4.99 for 7.5 ounces.  Before the pandemic, they were $1.50.  Oh well, one does what one must.

My favorite Palo Verde is still hanging on to some flowers.

The saguaro in the wash is blooming.

The current administration seems to have decided it will try to make an issue out of Obamagate.  That would be the crime that the orange man says everyone knows about, everyone is talking about, that will be bigger than Watergate.  Apparently it's the unmasking of Flynn's identity on some intelligence.  This is something than the orange man has known about since it happened because Obama told him.  I suspect this is the tool that the orange man's re-election team will use to try to smear Biden.  I read somewhere than the current administration has done this 27,000 times in their three years in office.

So there's that.  There is also the continued assault on people of color in this country.  It just astounds a person as to why this continues to be accepted.   The most recent of many is the killing of Breonna Taylor in Kentucky, shot eight times in her bed.  Police were in the wrong apartment looking for a suspect already in custody with a no knock warrant and a battering ram.  Yes, her boyfriend pulled a gun, but given the circumstances, one could see why he thought it was a home invasion going down.  They're prosecuting him, no word on if there will be disciplinary action filed against the officers that were involved.

I can't even talk about the continuing non response to Covid-19.  It's too depressing to know your president is going to kill you.

Have you seen the orange man's new catch phrase?  It's Transition Into Greatness.  Too bad no one bought the domain name.  Go here to see what some enterprising individual has created.


  1. Cheer up Allison ... even if you get Covid 19, I'm sure you are too tough to just take it lying down. Luckily I don't need sun screens on my windows. I already have some that didn't fit just right so they took a screwdriver and wedged them in so tight they can't be removed. I do LOVE those blooming saguaros!!

  2. Last week I was feeling the same way. I felt so tired with trying to keep us both alive, and frustration with our "leaders" and other people who could care less about taking precautions. I cried a lot and wondered if I should go on an antidepressant. I even thought about just giving up. But - this week I'm much better. Still scared, still angry but not as depressed. So I will keep up the fight so Jim can go walleye fishing in Montana this summer. Hang in there with me.

  3. know that cute little platypus is just a sculpture, right?

    1. I did not. This is so very disappointing!

    2. He may be a sculpture but real platypus babies are beyond adorable.

  4. My heart sank at your first line, but then lifted a bit at your heartbreak about being in the midst of a crowd, feeling the risk to your life, because it said to me you still want to live. I do think we have to be very intentional about choosing life in the face of all the threats around us; it can't hurt and may help us keep ourselves and our loved ones safe. Hope that doesn't sound too pollyanna. Your response to all that is happening so closely mirrors my own, so let's hold hands and get through it together my friend. It's soul crushing for sure, but we go on. I send love.

  5. That link is wonderful and yes, the whole thing makes me sad and angry and depressed.

  6. That Ryobi 18v Pole Saw that Jim is using to trim the palm trees is the best tool that we bought when we got our house 18 months ago. We have been giving it a really workout. We didn't know that our 70+ oak trees shed their leaves around May 1 and instantly get new ones as well as messy little seed pods. We have been blowing and raking like crazy. Took 460 lbs of leaves to the transfer station last week and have at least that much more for next week and we fill our trash can to he brim with leaves every week. Next house we get will not have so many trees! :-)

  7. I am so sorry this has you so down. On the other hand, I think I would be equally despondent, if I had all my brain cells to work with. The saguaro is beautiful.

  8. It is a very depressing time indeed! Try to cut back a bit on your news viewing, even though it is important; too much is scary and sad. I have dreamed about the virus as well, a few times. The platypus, whether real or a statue, is enough to give me hope for another day. Baby animals can always make us smile, even during very challenging times! Hang in there, my friend.

  9. I had a similar problem with the solar screens I had made and installed. They fit very poorly and consequently there are spider webs everywhere between the screen and window. Unfortunately, I was not successful in getting the problem fixed. Ugh.